I hate getting old.


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The only thing this has to do with Gold Prospecting is that I probably will not get to go out this week because I have to get a routine colonoscopy.

ROUTINE? There is nothing ROUTINE about this procedure. Well more specifically the preparation for this procedure. I did this once before, 6 years ago.

For those of you who have not had the joy of having this done to check for colon cancer, oh my what a treat. Do you remember the thrill of finding your first gold nugget? Yeah it's nothing at all like that.

So my procedure isn't untill 3 p.m. Tuesday. But the torture starts tonight. Because after my last meal, MY EASTER DINNER, I start by taking two Ducolax tablets. This stuff is sold over the counter!

I mean if you hurt your back and you want to get a muscle relaxant you have to make an appointment, go to the doctor and get a prescription, then wait in line at the pharmacy while they count out maybe a whole 10 pills to break the spasm and make you feel a little better. And charge you $50.

But if you want to spasm your gut into a knot and see crap fly out of your ass at the speed of sound while turning your intestines inside out... no problem you can have as many over the counter Ducolax as you want.

Imagine a power washer inside your ass, filled with a mixture of mud, shooting out your ass, speeding past your hemmorhoids with enough force that it would rival a sand blaster knocking rust off an old iron cannon ball. Now you have some idea of what you are in for. I use the example of a cannon ball, because that is about how big one of my hemmorhoids is.

Having been through this before I know what to expect. Tomorrow morning, when the Ducolax hits I will be glued to the toilet for at least two hours. Well not exactly glued, I have my wife duct tape my ass to the toilet so I am not launched off the toilet face first into the towel bar and break my front teeth out.

The rest of the day will involve me sitting in a warm tub of water trying to soothe my sore butt, and crampy stomach. It is at this point that another wave of cramps will hit me. They are so bad that you are wondering if maybe you are going to start your period too. The nausea and fear hit you at about the same time like a bolt of lightening, you realize, oh my god, I shouldn't be in the tub, I need to be on the toilet ... AGAIN. So you run stark ass naked from the tub to the toilet, slopping bath water all over the place, grabbing a towel along the way, so you will have something to bite on and something to bury your face into so as to muffle your screams.

For the entire day you are allowed nothing to eat except popsicles, jello, clear broth, water, plain coffee no milk, ginger ale or 7 up. And the jello and popsicles can not be red or purple.

Somewhere towards evening, you are weak, you are defeated, you are starving. You have no dignity left. But at least the cramping has stopped. But wait, there is more. Now you have to take Suprep. This is a small bottle of ass jet fuel that you mix with water until you have a 16 ounce cup of swill that you chug. Within the next hour you have to drink 32 more ounces of water.

Now this seems like an improvement over the last time when they made me drink this slightly carbonated slightly lemon flavored garp juice. I had to drink like 12 ounces every 30 minutes until I drank a gallon of the stuff. I remember that stuff well. The first two swallows and you thought, OK, it's not all that bad, I can handle this. By the time you had finished the glass, you had come to the realization that once the fizz wore off the lemon flavor faded away to reveal a slightly slimey, oily, slick like snot beverage that was something we might give terrorists if waterboarding and Miley Cyrus songs on a loop was not working.

By the third glass of this stuff the mere sight of it invoked an involuntary gag reflex, and a fit of dry heaves.

So while this new Suprep stuff might be only one glass full, I know the "END" result will be the same. Remember that silver 1928 quarter you swallowed when you were 5 years old, that you never passed? You will see it soon, make sure everyone in the house is wearing eye protection because that sucker is going to be richocheting off the inside of that toilet bowl at the speed of light.

All those clear fluids you had that day that surely cleaned out your poop shoot during your day of starvation... WRONG!

Ducolax is like the $2 add on car wash you get when you fill up your car with gas. SUPREP is like the 12 guys who do a $250 detail job on the inside of your car with toothbrushes and Q-tips. It cleans every nook and cranny.

3 hours later, as you are eating Jello, while you are sitting on the toilet, (JUST TO BE SAFE) you are pretty sure you are really cleaned out, because the last piece of Jello you swallowed just fell right out of your ass into the toilet. Straight shot! No obstructions. Swallow a quarter now! PLINK.

Exhausted, you climb into bed, then your wife makes you get out of bed while she lays down a plastic garbage bag over the sheet and lays three towels on top of it, (JUST TO BE SAFE.)

The next morning you wake yourself up from the sound of the wind whistling as it blows into your nose and out your butt. You drag yourself out of bed and head to the toilet, (JUST TO BE SAFE). On the way you step on the scales. OMG you have lost 27 pounds. Maybe your wife is right, you are full of shit.

Oh, the appointment is at 3 pm, you can't wait to have this over, but surprise surprise. Your Doctor is something of an obsessive compulsive, and just to make sure you are not an "ANAL RETENTIVE" he has decided for you to do that SUPREP regimen one last time at 9am, OH, and nothing at all today, No popsicles, no 7 up, no jello, or broth. No nutrition. They want you to be weak enough so if the anesthesia doesn't work, they won't have any problem holding you down while Dr. Mengele performs whatever hideous experiments he has planned for you.

So this last dose of SUPREP does such an amazing final job of cleaning you out, that your intestines fall into the toilet. You simply pick them up and inspect them yourself. Only reason to go to the doctor now is to have them put back in. This last dose of SUPREP twists your intestines like television pitch man Vince wringing out a SHAMWOW.

2:30 you arrive at the surgical center. You are wearing sweat pants because you can't stand anything tight, like jeans, even touching your butt. You are walking like you have been an inmate at Riker's Island and have been your cellmate, Bubba's girlfriend for the last 3 years.

You can't wait for the ansesthesia, anything to put you out of your misery for even a little while. Twenty minutes later, it's over. 3 days of agony, for something that takes 20 minutes. Usually the doctor says, "everything looks perfect." That's what the doctor said the last time and my wife chimed in, "Oh yeah he's a perfect asshole." The doctor continues, see you again in 5 years.

Seriously, colon cancer is no laughing matter. While the preparation is uncomfortable, it is nothing compared to colon cancer. So get yourself screened. I know your wife thinks you're an asshole, this is your chance to prove what a perfect one you are.

Doc

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Doc...stop!!!!! My sides hurt!!!

That's FUNNY!
Tom

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Even with the cam pill you still have to prep. Personally if you do it by standard colonoscopy polyps can be removed at the same time. With the pill you have to go back later.

The procedure is nothing. Knock you out, you wake up and it's all over. It's the prep that is the tough part.

Doc

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I feel for you Doc. I have to go through it every two years as I am prone to the polyps and they are the bad type. One was cancerous and was lucky to catch it in time. I remember when president Regan was between elections and wouldn't get one removed and waited until he was reelected to have it done. He waited a little too long and had to have part of his colon resected. No matter what anyone says it's still a pain in the ass.

Old Tom

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Doc

All of what you said is nothing new to me. I'll have another in about two years. Now if you think that's bad well it's better than looking at your ass on the side. I have a friend that has that bag on his side and he has to deal with that every day. I've known others that had the same thing.

It's just a fact of life if you live long enough you will have some trouble from time to time. Taking all that crap before that test is the part I could do without. You may know this but your gut is the fastest healing part of your body. They can do anything in there and next day you can't tell anyone done anything.

Be happy you still have a ass to wipe plus they can't say your full of sh-t..

Chuck Anders

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No doubt about it. It is just part of trying to get as many miles out of these bodies as possible. My mother in law had her colon cancer caught in time. They had to resection her bowel but it had not spread. Very small amount had to be removed. But as I said it is no laughing matter. But the colonoscopy procedures do make for some funny stories and experiences. Last time my wife and I did them at the same time. Our son drove us home. Bad idea. Neither of us felt like helping ourselves or each other. So we just laid around and complained that we had no energy to do anything.

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Idaho Al - thanks for the visual, LOL

Strick - As long as there wasn't an engagement proposal.

Many years ago I had a rigid colonoscopy. They don't even knock you out for that, they just let you scream.

I got a kick out of the doctor saying, "OK as we go around the corner you are going to feel a little cramping." Yeah bullshit, That was akin to someone stabbing you with a bayonet and telling you you might feel a little pin prick.

I remember after that I looked over my shoulder and said, "Does this mean we're engaged?" My usually stoic doctor just totally cracked up laughing. He got the giggles and just couldn't stop, We have been lifelong friends ever since.

Doc

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I did this about 6 or 8 months ago and my experience was similar. I did the gallon jug of swamp water thing. You have to pay for the swamp water you drink, so I figure drinking a gallon of alkali water from the swamps in the 40 mile desert on the way to Rye Patch would do the exact same thing for free, and it taste about as good. Doc, maybe you could try that next time - a gallon of Nevada alkali water made into tea, coffee or broth.

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My 1st one at the VA I watched it on the screen and when it was over they asked if I wanted a copy of it. should have taken it as it would have been a good show and tell, My second one I was also awake but didn't see it on the screen. The Dr and nurse were talking about where they wanted to go for vacation during the process. :huh:

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I have pictures of my last one. Sort of unremarkable with the exception of one diverticula.

Never had any issues with my gut so I am hoping all is well. I have too much gold to find, I can't be out of commission doing things that aren't even fun.

Doc

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Doc

Hope all your reports are clear. That's the reason I have it done and so easy fix if you know ahead of time. I too like to nugget hunt and dredge even if I"ll be 74 in May.

The test is nothing but getting there as you said is the down side. I know I was thinking I may not be over 2 feet tall before it's over.

Chuck Anders

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How have you been. Haven't seen you since ganes creek. I will be in Vegas on Thursday where are you located I would like to swing by the shop and say hello

Hey Gene,

I will probably not be in the office, I have to help my wife babysit the grandchildren, Thursday through the weekend.

Doc

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